Dear Apathetic Listener,

I feel this feeling that I hate. This feeling of utter ickyness at the  bottom of my stomach.  It resembles oil in a tar pit. I know I did wrong as I usually do. I keep having to remind myself to breath and that I'll be okay.

I'll be okay

Let me take on the burden he had told me. Share your pain with me. Let me in. I met a wonderful individual and I pushed him away.

This is my pain. This is my insecurities. I have dealt with them myself. There is a prideful feeling of knowing you can get yourself out of this oil pit, on your own.  Alive.

Let me not regret this moment too much.

Girl

“Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy.” 

― Leo Buscaglia

Dear Diary,
 I want to run away from the world faster than it can catch me. How is it that I cant seem to allow myself to be seen as vulnerable in front of anyone? I simply hate it. I feel this sudden discomfort inside me when a boy wishes to see the very depths of my soul. It hurts because I suddenly feel this pain inside...a voice that whispers" Don't..he doesn't deserve to see you." They will hurt you. They will consume you and leave you as dry as a husk. Don't let him. My lover, if you may call him that. A boy with a girlfriend. Go ahead. Im a bit of a disgrace for doing what I did. He has a girl back home and everytime I'm with him I get this feeling of disgust in myself because I just became what my mother cried about when my father cheated in her. I remember seeing her feel so unloved and so unwilling all because my father could not keep his dick in his pants. Really? Im now this girl. Yet I ended it...after several months of seeing him because he became too close. He whispered beautiful things to me about how the sun rose up for me and how i was amazing. Please shut up. SHUT UP! Don't speak anymore. Dont say wonderful things anymore because this stupid dead heart will start to beat and then Ill be fucked. Then Ill really want you in my life. Then Ill realize how deep i am in this muck and I wont be able to run away. I started to do this self destruction I always do when my heart wants to destroy something. I start acting crazy...I start being mean and a bitch. I start wanting to pick and find the buttons in them that makes them want to cry. It starts like a burning feeling in my gut and I feel like crying and hitting them because they are the source of my pain. So i "broke" up with him. I told him I couldn't see him anymore and you know what he said? YOU KNOW WHAT HE RESPONDED? He said ok. Like he could give no fucks. I kept looking at him trying to see a glimmer of love or want to keep me...but none. I knew it. He had started telling me about other girls which is alright. But all the while telling me ever so sweet things. Give me a break!! This is sadistic. Fuck off. I need to not find these men who simply want me for a night. Who want someone for just human touch. Fuckin hell. I want what Forrest Gump had. When he looked at his Jenny and said that she was the most beautiful thing he had ever come across. That she was his very reason for living. I want to be adored and loved. I want someone who wants me everyday and wants to hold my hand in fuckin public. Whom I dont have to hide or worry what people think of me. I want someone. Which is a contradiction to what my heart shows. Perhaps I have to wait right? Thats what they say. This person..the one for you comes in your life when you least expect it. And suddenly its like BAM. Like as if you couldn't breath or where the hell have you been all my life kind of feeling. I'm not going to waste my time with men like lover boy. Im not going to waste it on chumps anymore. Im going to forget about it for a bit. Work out...because that helped before. and simply be. simply be me. 

Root for me,
 Girl

Dear Readers,

It has been weeks since I have updated this thing which is sad because I know I have plenty to say and write down. Lets just say I'm a rather confusing person when it comes to love because..well I dont want anyone yet I want someone. I mean i know Im not ready for a relationship because there i was with this particularly fantastic guy who was everything I described to be my "perfect man" and yet I couldn't fall in love. No matter how hard I tried.He was charming and would tell me things like " You are my dream come true." He didn't force anything on me or tried to change me yet I think I tried to sabotage it in some sort of way. I told him too much about my dark days... I told him too much about that side of me which i strive to keep hidden. Perhaps he came realize this goddess he swore to have fallen for was nothing but a mere mortal. I guess I realized this when he stopped texting or stopped being as happy to see me. Yet that's the thing though..I feel as if I wanted him to go away..Like as if my heart knows that it isn't ready but my mind wants me to be.

I still think about him. Shit. Thats the bullshit of it all you know? I feel as if I'm done, ready to move on and suddenly fucking blueberry pancakes and  a stupid song brings on the memories. You see it isn't the break up that sucks..its the memories, the constant rolling of memories that begin at the stupidest things. I felt like crying while making pancakes...i didnt even feel whatever I thought I felt. I didn't feel a love, or a want to run away with this boy anymore..it was gone. gahhh. I need to stop thinking bout guys...I need to let myself cocoon into myself and work on myself. haha I keep saying that but don't do it. I will tho. I will.

“And in the end, we were all just humans drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness.”

—	F. Scott Fitzgerald

Dear Fellow Reader,

Oh my gosh. No really I have to emphasize the GOSH! So let's just say that today at work....was the BEST day ever. I met a true to god- GOD. Oh lord. He was dark haired, Sicilian skin, dark eyes, tall, and just what the doctor ordered. PLUS had an accent to die for- Italian. Yet here I was dressed in my fast food finest and a babbling idiot. Yet no one..not even annoying customers could erase the smile on my face when he left. All I could keep thinking as I was serving fries to someone ," I love my job. God is good."

Thats one of things that I'm always optimistic about..the fact that there is always something waiting to make your day just a bit awesomer.. I know thats not entirely a word but that's what it feels like. Besides that I spoke to an older gentleman who use to be a profesor at Davis and was RUSSIAN. I don't quite know what I have for accents or different nationalities but I know that I will one day marry someone who is not american. The rest of world sounds so much more interesting then just plain ol' american. It might actually be an american girly thing to say. Who knows..it might just happen.

Im feeling a happy. End of story. Sorry for short post.. I wanted you guys to know about hot Italian guy.

Love,

Girl who falls in infatuation at first sight <3

“Hard to sit here and be close to you, and not kiss you.”

-

F. Scott Fitzgerald, Tender is the Night

Dear Audience and Friends who lend  an ear,

"There was a life before him and there will be a life after him." These are the exact words I always tell my friends who are going through a break up. It's true because this person was simply just a chapter in your life and as far as I'm concerned there are other chapters in your life still needing to be written. Yet , this advice seems hard for me to follow. I've been doing better these days..feeling less sad and more hopeful for the future. I feel as if im slowly becoming this thing that doesn't want anything from anyone and would rather spend the rest of it's days in their room. Away from any contact. Yet by contact I mostly mean relationships, they seem to be useless right now because my heart has grown this thorn encasing that seems to not allow anyone in.

I need to change myself. Thats why I started exercising again which feels fantastic. After running a mile I feel as if I am having a body high and I can't help to smile. It reminds me of the days before him in freshman year of high school when this is all I lived for. The strong leg muscles which I would boast about or the year long tan that seemed to never go away. This is something I miss and want back. I guess thats what a break up is..a sort of rewind. Yet hell, thats a hell of a rewind if it requires me to go back five years. During the last years of the relationship when I was in college I changed to the worse. I seemed to have forgotten my worth as a human being and I craved the attention of other men. When I am back home in the south I feel back yo normal and no longer care if men notice my presence but when I'm in college suddenly a mini skirt isn't short enough to get their attention. FUCK. I need to focus on changing my mentality about how I view myself. I want adventures not one night stands. I want to change my surroundings and completely reinvent myself. It's possible..anyone can change themselves if they truly want to.

There was a tattoo that I saw on Tumblr that made me think. It was a lotus ,which the post described to be a symbol for rebirth. I think it's quite true. I think there are stages in our lives which we experience some sort of rebirth because of an event or just one's self. It's been a pretty painful change for me and I hope to some day no longer feel pain from it. I want to be able to look at his life and smile for his success not grimace at the fact that he is truly moved on. That he is no longer plagued like I am of damn memories. I will cease to mention him from now on as being the main subject of my posts. The moving on starts now.

sincerly,
Girl with many memories


“Stop insisting on clearing your head — clear your fucking heart instead.”

—	Charles Bukowski

Dear Random Internet Audience,

So today I realized that I'm one of the most confusing human beings to have ever been born on this planet. I confuse myself with my emotions constantly. Well, I best explain this situation to y'all, let's just say I've had this tiny crush on this male friend since middle school but nothing ever happened from it but almost dating which failed horribly. Since my break up ive been seeing him change and grow as a person and all I could think about was " Damn..I missed out" Yet when I hanged out with him it was disappointing. Sure, all the qualities I thought a guy should have he had...yet there was no chemistry. No want to kiss his lips. I wanted him to shut up..to tell him that the world does not revolve around him. He kept telling me stories about women who wanted him. Then I told him my dark deep secret and he acted slightly repulsed and every response to me was referring back to it. No. Just No.

Besides that I finally asked my ex the question that has been ringing in my head all this time after our painful meeting, " Do you still want me in your life" He answered with a simple yes. I was actually pretty happy he said that. I mean I know right now I can't be without wanting more then friendship. It's not actually me who wants a relationship but my heart. I don't quite know if you understand me or think I've gone particularly bonkers. Let me explain myself, I miss him but I know I can't be with him. I have so much to see and learn that being with him would be something destructive to us both. Gahh. This is perhaps the last post I will be writing about him since I've finally decided that I don't want to think about him anymore or live my life with the what if it did work nonsense. A tip to my fellow readers..if anyone does read this melodramatic blog/ diary whatever happened in the past is good to reflect on but not to dwell on.

Next order of business...I suck at being a cashier. I lost four dollars..in my first day. FOR GODSAKES its just taking orders and giving back the change..how fuckin hard is that. I guess its just that I get so nervous and jittery..like im on crack or something. I feel as if I have all this adrenaline pumping through me all of the sudden and I have no idea what to do. >.< I don't even use money anymore!! I use debit. gah. I work again today at 3. Cheer me on invisible people!


Love always,
Girl in Distress


“Nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know.”

—	Pema Chodron

Dear People Who Might One Day Understand Me,

So today was actually a pretty good day filled with bike rides and conversations about basically nothing. I  was able to actually distract my brain from what had occurred the day before hand. When I saw him and conversed with him. All is not well inside me but I am hopeful it will be.

Let's just say he was a road I knew well and knew would never hurt me yet I barley knew him. In a sense I wasnt all I could be fore him. I knew that I was simply afraid of venturing onto the new road that I had created for myself. The road where I have smashed my face onto the pavement  and had to swerve from ditches and bumps I could not see. I longed to go back to the road I knew, that why I weeped so hard and gasped as if the air was leaving my body when I hugged him. I wanted so bad for him to lift me and put me on his knee and say ," If you cry 10 tears Ill buy you ice cream" like he use to when I was upset. Fuck. But life isn't like that now is it? Not a fairy tale at all. I made some life decisions and  must face them with dignity and move on. What is the point of holding onto something like a memory when it is intangible and unlovable like a shadow?

Therefore Ill allow myself to weep and cry a few tears every night until the night that I no longer feel this deep regret at the pit of my stomach. It will eventually melt I hope. In its place will be left a small unfillable hole that will just need to put a board on. Life will bring me someone new to love. I'm sure of it.

Besides that yesterday mirage I had a old friend confess his love for me. Something that I was quite surprised about. He professed that he has loved me for so long and that he was never right for me till now. I was shocked because I was flattered but right now I can not love anyone. I barley know its meaning. He told me he'd worship the ground I walked on for one chance..I couldnt give that to him.

So on one hand I lost love and on the other someone new keeps wanting to give me love back.

I just want to be alone for a while. Alone to understand myself and my ever changing thoughts.