Dear Readers,
It has been weeks since I have updated this thing which is sad because I know I have plenty to say and write down. Lets just say I'm a rather confusing person when it comes to love because..well I dont want anyone yet I want someone. I mean i know Im not ready for a relationship because there i was with this particularly fantastic guy who was everything I described to be my "perfect man" and yet I couldn't fall in love. No matter how hard I tried.He was charming and would tell me things like " You are my dream come true." He didn't force anything on me or tried to change me yet I think I tried to sabotage it in some sort of way. I told him too much about my dark days... I told him too much about that side of me which i strive to keep hidden. Perhaps he came realize this goddess he swore to have fallen for was nothing but a mere mortal. I guess I realized this when he stopped texting or stopped being as happy to see me. Yet that's the thing though..I feel as if I wanted him to go away..Like as if my heart knows that it isn't ready but my mind wants me to be.
I still think about him. Shit. Thats the bullshit of it all you know? I feel as if I'm done, ready to move on and suddenly fucking blueberry pancakes and a stupid song brings on the memories. You see it isn't the break up that sucks..its the memories, the constant rolling of memories that begin at the stupidest things. I felt like crying while making pancakes...i didnt even feel whatever I thought I felt. I didn't feel a love, or a want to run away with this boy anymore..it was gone. gahhh. I need to stop thinking bout guys...I need to let myself cocoon into myself and work on myself. haha I keep saying that but don't do it. I will tho. I will.
“And in the end, we were all just humans drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness.”
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