I guess that's how I'll start this online blog? I've never had anything public yet hidden from the prying eyes of those who know me. Yesterday he texted me..my ex. I was in complete shock to hear my phone go off with a message with his name on it. You have no idea how many times I wanted to see his name..especially on my birthday. That was actually going to determine if my birthday was going to be good or bad, his text, which never came. I guess it's okay because he deserves to be angry. He deserves to not want to speak to me. I did break up with him and in the most awful way..over phone. Yet being 12 hours away how else could I do it? How else could I shut the feeling in my chest, the gut wrenching sadness at knowing I was no longer in-love with him?
I remember how I tried to keep my voice monotone and do it quick and painless...like taking off a band aid in a swift motion. Which is all BULLSHIT! There is no way to break someone's heart without dragging your nails across the very ventricles of their soul. Never. I hold a dark secret that I will one day allow to escape from my lips but at this moment I will keep it caged in the deep recesses of my mind.
I'm going to see him Saturday and just knowing that keeps me awake. I've been practicing this conversation for 3 months. I've been practicing how to let him know that I love him without being in-love with him. How can I explain that he is much a part of me then my own left lung? That the day I didn't receive any messages from him on my birthday I couldn't breath. How I hoped my damn broken screen of my phone would light up? Because I missed hearing is stupid voice? Shit man. It's been close to 5 months and I can still hear his last words in the back of mind. "You will never find a boy who will love you as much as I did. I woke up every morning because of you, I worked because of you, because I knew that there was someone out there who loved me as much as I loved them" That very line played like a broken record.
I have to stop though. I miss memories and scents. There were bad moments.. Thats something I must remember.
“Bad things happen every day but you’re not going to be any happier thinking about them. So I don’t think about them.”
-Lana Del Ray.
0 comments:
Post a Comment