An Old Friend Declaring Their Love For Me

Dear People Who Might One Day Understand Me,

So today was actually a pretty good day filled with bike rides and conversations about basically nothing. I  was able to actually distract my brain from what had occurred the day before hand. When I saw him and conversed with him. All is not well inside me but I am hopeful it will be.

Let's just say he was a road I knew well and knew would never hurt me yet I barley knew him. In a sense I wasnt all I could be fore him. I knew that I was simply afraid of venturing onto the new road that I had created for myself. The road where I have smashed my face onto the pavement  and had to swerve from ditches and bumps I could not see. I longed to go back to the road I knew, that why I weeped so hard and gasped as if the air was leaving my body when I hugged him. I wanted so bad for him to lift me and put me on his knee and say ," If you cry 10 tears Ill buy you ice cream" like he use to when I was upset. Fuck. But life isn't like that now is it? Not a fairy tale at all. I made some life decisions and  must face them with dignity and move on. What is the point of holding onto something like a memory when it is intangible and unlovable like a shadow?

Therefore Ill allow myself to weep and cry a few tears every night until the night that I no longer feel this deep regret at the pit of my stomach. It will eventually melt I hope. In its place will be left a small unfillable hole that will just need to put a board on. Life will bring me someone new to love. I'm sure of it.

Besides that yesterday mirage I had a old friend confess his love for me. Something that I was quite surprised about. He professed that he has loved me for so long and that he was never right for me till now. I was shocked because I was flattered but right now I can not love anyone. I barley know its meaning. He told me he'd worship the ground I walked on for one chance..I couldnt give that to him.

So on one hand I lost love and on the other someone new keeps wanting to give me love back.

I just want to be alone for a while. Alone to understand myself and my ever changing thoughts.