Mistress.

Dear Diary,
 I want to run away from the world faster than it can catch me. How is it that I cant seem to allow myself to be seen as vulnerable in front of anyone? I simply hate it. I feel this sudden discomfort inside me when a boy wishes to see the very depths of my soul. It hurts because I suddenly feel this pain inside...a voice that whispers" Don't..he doesn't deserve to see you." They will hurt you. They will consume you and leave you as dry as a husk. Don't let him. My lover, if you may call him that. A boy with a girlfriend. Go ahead. Im a bit of a disgrace for doing what I did. He has a girl back home and everytime I'm with him I get this feeling of disgust in myself because I just became what my mother cried about when my father cheated in her. I remember seeing her feel so unloved and so unwilling all because my father could not keep his dick in his pants. Really? Im now this girl. Yet I ended it...after several months of seeing him because he became too close. He whispered beautiful things to me about how the sun rose up for me and how i was amazing. Please shut up. SHUT UP! Don't speak anymore. Dont say wonderful things anymore because this stupid dead heart will start to beat and then Ill be fucked. Then Ill really want you in my life. Then Ill realize how deep i am in this muck and I wont be able to run away. I started to do this self destruction I always do when my heart wants to destroy something. I start acting crazy...I start being mean and a bitch. I start wanting to pick and find the buttons in them that makes them want to cry. It starts like a burning feeling in my gut and I feel like crying and hitting them because they are the source of my pain. So i "broke" up with him. I told him I couldn't see him anymore and you know what he said? YOU KNOW WHAT HE RESPONDED? He said ok. Like he could give no fucks. I kept looking at him trying to see a glimmer of love or want to keep me...but none. I knew it. He had started telling me about other girls which is alright. But all the while telling me ever so sweet things. Give me a break!! This is sadistic. Fuck off. I need to not find these men who simply want me for a night. Who want someone for just human touch. Fuckin hell. I want what Forrest Gump had. When he looked at his Jenny and said that she was the most beautiful thing he had ever come across. That she was his very reason for living. I want to be adored and loved. I want someone who wants me everyday and wants to hold my hand in fuckin public. Whom I dont have to hide or worry what people think of me. I want someone. Which is a contradiction to what my heart shows. Perhaps I have to wait right? Thats what they say. This person..the one for you comes in your life when you least expect it. And suddenly its like BAM. Like as if you couldn't breath or where the hell have you been all my life kind of feeling. I'm not going to waste my time with men like lover boy. Im not going to waste it on chumps anymore. Im going to forget about it for a bit. Work out...because that helped before. and simply be. simply be me. 

Root for me,
 Girl