"There was a life before him and there will be a life after him." These are the exact words I always tell my friends who are going through a break up. It's true because this person was simply just a chapter in your life and as far as I'm concerned there are other chapters in your life still needing to be written. Yet , this advice seems hard for me to follow. I've been doing better these days..feeling less sad and more hopeful for the future. I feel as if im slowly becoming this thing that doesn't want anything from anyone and would rather spend the rest of it's days in their room. Away from any contact. Yet by contact I mostly mean relationships, they seem to be useless right now because my heart has grown this thorn encasing that seems to not allow anyone in.
I need to change myself. Thats why I started exercising again which feels fantastic. After running a mile I feel as if I am having a body high and I can't help to smile. It reminds me of the days before him in freshman year of high school when this is all I lived for. The strong leg muscles which I would boast about or the year long tan that seemed to never go away. This is something I miss and want back. I guess thats what a break up is..a sort of rewind. Yet hell, thats a hell of a rewind if it requires me to go back five years. During the last years of the relationship when I was in college I changed to the worse. I seemed to have forgotten my worth as a human being and I craved the attention of other men. When I am back home in the south I feel back yo normal and no longer care if men notice my presence but when I'm in college suddenly a mini skirt isn't short enough to get their attention. FUCK. I need to focus on changing my mentality about how I view myself. I want adventures not one night stands. I want to change my surroundings and completely reinvent myself. It's possible..anyone can change themselves if they truly want to.
There was a tattoo that I saw on Tumblr that made me think. It was a lotus ,which the post described to be a symbol for rebirth. I think it's quite true. I think there are stages in our lives which we experience some sort of rebirth because of an event or just one's self. It's been a pretty painful change for me and I hope to some day no longer feel pain from it. I want to be able to look at his life and smile for his success not grimace at the fact that he is truly moved on. That he is no longer plagued like I am of damn memories. I will cease to mention him from now on as being the main subject of my posts. The moving on starts now.
sincerly,
Girl with many memories
“Stop insisting on clearing your head — clear your fucking heart instead.”
| — | Charles Bukowski |
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