So today I realized that I'm one of the most confusing human beings to have ever been born on this planet. I confuse myself with my emotions constantly. Well, I best explain this situation to y'all, let's just say I've had this tiny crush on this male friend since middle school but nothing ever happened from it but almost dating which failed horribly. Since my break up ive been seeing him change and grow as a person and all I could think about was " Damn..I missed out" Yet when I hanged out with him it was disappointing. Sure, all the qualities I thought a guy should have he had...yet there was no chemistry. No want to kiss his lips. I wanted him to shut up..to tell him that the world does not revolve around him. He kept telling me stories about women who wanted him. Then I told him my dark deep secret and he acted slightly repulsed and every response to me was referring back to it. No. Just No.
Besides that I finally asked my ex the question that has been ringing in my head all this time after our painful meeting, " Do you still want me in your life" He answered with a simple yes. I was actually pretty happy he said that. I mean I know right now I can't be without wanting more then friendship. It's not actually me who wants a relationship but my heart. I don't quite know if you understand me or think I've gone particularly bonkers. Let me explain myself, I miss him but I know I can't be with him. I have so much to see and learn that being with him would be something destructive to us both. Gahh. This is perhaps the last post I will be writing about him since I've finally decided that I don't want to think about him anymore or live my life with the what if it did work nonsense. A tip to my fellow readers..if anyone does read this melodramatic blog/ diary whatever happened in the past is good to reflect on but not to dwell on.
Next order of business...I suck at being a cashier. I lost four dollars..in my first day. FOR GODSAKES its just taking orders and giving back the change..how fuckin hard is that. I guess its just that I get so nervous and jittery..like im on crack or something. I feel as if I have all this adrenaline pumping through me all of the sudden and I have no idea what to do. >.< I don't even use money anymore!! I use debit. gah. I work again today at 3. Cheer me on invisible people!
Love always,
Girl in Distress
“Nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know.”
| — | Pema Chodron |
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